My Mother and Wife Are the Cause of my Tragedy!

Published in March 12, 2020

Translated by: Ahmed Fathy

Introduction:

 We have received this important email message and we quote most of it here (after correcting its many Arabic spelling mistakes made by its male Egyptian sender who is supposed to be a university graduate) followed by our reply because it is too long to fit into our fatwas section.

Firstly: the message:

  (... I always follow your fatwas section in Arabic and I like it very much; I desire you to publish my story on this section so that the readers would draw useful lessons; I seek no fatwa at all. My late father was one boy, the youngest, who had three older female siblings; he was pampered by his mother (i.e., my grandmother) who also made him marry at an early age so that she would make him happy and she would be happy seeing her own grandchildren before she her death. My mother gave birth to me and my grandmother and my father were overjoyed; yet, my mother had to undergo an operation to remove her womb; she had no offspring except me; I was her only son in this world. ... Sadly, my mother totally controlled my father and she forced him to never visit or see his mother (i.e., my grandmother) who died of sorrow, I think, and my father never visited her during her ailment when she was bedridden and never attended her funeral because my mother never gave him permission to do so! In fact, my late mother was a little bit older than my father; she had a strong character and she tended to be aggressive and stubborn; my late father had a weak character and he loved her so much; he never dared to disobey her. Whenever he protested against anything, it was enough that she would threaten him that she would leave the house; he would readily change his mind and obey her after kissing her hands and feet so that she would calm down and never leave his house. My father could never do without his wife (i.e., my mother). Whenever she got mad at him and decided not to eat her meal, my father typically chased her with the plate in his hand to convince her to eat and he would listen to her attentively and obey her every command. ... My maternal aunt, along with her husband and children, visited us so often; I dislike her nosy talkative husband very much; he used to make fun of my father in our own house while my mother, her sister, and her children would laugh out loud, whereas my father would smile in silence! The children of my maternal aunt acted as though they were in their own house and as if me and my father were their guests! ... At the time, I never knew my three paternal aunts because my mother forced my father never to contact or visit his sisters. Two of my paternal aunts married and settled outside our village; one of them lives with her husband in our village; her house is opposite to the one of my maternal aunt. At one time, I visited my maternal aunt, and suddenly, when I returned to the street, a woman unknown to me hurried in my direction and hugged me; she introduced herself as my paternal aunt and that she lives in the house opposite to the one of my maternal aunt; I never knew about this before; I felt overjoyed as I made her acquaintance at last; as I looked at her face, I found that she resembles my father and my late grandmother. When I told my father about this encounter, he wept bitterly over his helplessness; he beseeched me never to tell my mother about this encounter to avoid his getting into more troubles with her! I pitied him and obeyed his command. My father told me, as usual, that my mother would scream (and faint after her tantrums, as usual) and quarrel with him if she knew that I visited my paternal aunt. My father had enough scandals and he grew tired of neighbors interfering to reconcile him and my mother every time. He agreed to let me visit my paternal aunt and her husband and children in secret but I had to make sure that my maternal aunt would not see me, or else, she would readily notify my mother. My father gave me sums of money as gifts which I carried to my paternal aunt with his greetings since he could not visit his sister. At two separate times, I secretly traveled with my paternal aunt to see my other two paternal aunts who lived in two different towns; I felt very happy. Yet, eventually, at one time, my maternal aunt saw me as I got out of my paternal aunt's house; she readily notified my mother who quarreled with my father and screamed at him like a madwoman; in her tantrum, she slapped her own face and fainted; when she recovered from her faint, she decided to leave the house; my frightened father tried to calm her down and to reassure her that I will never visit my paternal aunt again, and I had to swear on it. Of course, I lied to my mother; I fasted for three days since I broke this 'solemn' oath; I visited my paternal aunt regularly after making her a telephone call first to make sure that 'the coast was clear'. I visited her so often because I admired and loved one of her pretty daughters; I decided to be engaged to her once I finish my university studies; yet, my father refused to give his blessings to this project; he warned me that such a matter would infuriate my mother. Sadly, my mother decided to marry me off to a young woman from among her relatives upon the recommendation of her sister (i.e., my maternal aunt). I could not refuse; I had to obey my mother. I married this young woman and stayed in the same house with my mother and father. My wife hated and resented very much the fact that my mother controlled my father, myself, and everything in the house while she (i.e., my wife) was marginalized. In fact, my wife was like my mother; i.e., she tends to get mad easily and she is dominant and aggressive. She began quarreling with my mother during the honeymoon. My father, as usual, never interfered. Later on, my father died of a heart attack; he rested in peace and left me to live through this daily hell. My wife and my mother quarreled with each other and screamed at each other on a daily basis day and night over trivial matters, especially regarding me; each one of them desired to control me totally and that I must side with her and disregard the other party! Each of them demanded to have my full attention all the time! I was a toy tugged and torn by both of them; whenever I please my mother, my wife would get mad and yell at me and punish me; whenever I please my wife, my mother would scream and faint! Though I was below the age of thirty at the time, I began to suffer diabetes, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol level! ... When my wife gave birth to my first boy, she became the mistress of the house or the prima donna. My mother was defeated and marginalized; she was taunted and ridiculed by my wife until she was paralyzed after concealing too much anger and suffering too much oppression; she was bedridden and my wife refused to serve her; I served my paralyzed mother only at the times when my wife would allow me to do so! My cruel wife continued to taunt and ridicule my ill mother and to provoke her ire in every possible manner; she never allowed her to see her grandson (i.e., my firstborn son). My mother lived in utter misery and sorrow until she died; shortly before her death, she confessed to me that the Lord God took revenge on her because she prevented my late father from visiting his three sisters. ... I advised my wife never to imitate the ways of my late mother so as to avoid, in the future, the fate of being mistreated by any wife of any of our sons one day; yet, my piece of advice fell into deaf ears; my wife never heeded my piece of advice. ... Strangely, I unconsciously found myself imitating the ways of my own late fatter; I try hard to please my wife, for she is the mother of my sons, and I never disobey her and I never refuse her anything; I show my tender, loving care to her all the time; yet, she screams and yells at me and complains of her misfortune for having to marry a man like me! She always tells me that she is very unhappy in my house. The only time she feels happy is when my maternal aunt would visit us along with her husband and sons; they would ridicule and make fun of me and my wife would laugh out loud, especially when the son of my maternal aunt would mimic my words and movements! I never protested because I desire to avoid more troubles with my wife. ... Despite the fact that I made love a lot with my wife to please her, at one time, she ridiculed me before my maternal aunt, and her husband and sons, when she told them that I was a very poor performer in bed and she never feels anything whenever I enter her! She told them she began to hate having sex with me! They laughed out loud and I remained silent; my heartache was unbearable! I wondered why she doubts my sexual prowess though I make love to her several times a week. Why would she insist on giving me such a pain?! ... I know that you, Dr. Mansour, would tell me that I have a weak character, but I take after my good, peace-loving father, and I cannot help it! My Lord God has created me that way; I am a good-natured, peace-loving man like my late father. I hate troubles and quarrels. I believe in the fact that the Lord God is the Avenger Who will punish unjust people. My wife has committed many injustices against both me and my late mother. My late mother committed many injustices against my late father and my paternal aunts. The Lord God has punished my mother before she died and will punish my wife one day. If I lived long enough to witness how the Lord God will punish my wife, I will never feel sorry for her and I will never sympathize with her; she has done me wrong several times and hurt my feelings so much ...).

Lastly: OUR REPLY:

1- You have chosen to be a weak husband; therefore, you have chosen to live in misery like your late father. If you would have chosen to be a firm husband, you would have brought happiness to yourself, your wife, and your mother. Wives can never be happy with husbands they control/ride because such laidback or henpecked husbands never satisfy or gratify them; wives never respect, esteem, or value such weak, obedient husbands. Of course, typically in most societies, wives who are supposed to be weak (i.e., the weaker sex or 'le sexe faible') try all the time to control their husbands in order to feel safe and secure; yet, when they manage to control their husbands and make them blindly obey them, they never feel happy in their marital life with such weak husbands. 

2- Respectable husbands who are real men must put their wives inside their hearts but never above their heads. We mean to say that husbands should love their wives dearly and give them their dues and rights, but they should not allow their wives to interfere with their relations with parents, relatives, and siblings. The wives' interference in such relations is unjust and will compromise the husbands' rights and those of the parents, relatives, and siblings. Of course, wives have their own rights and so are parents, relatives, and siblings. Of course, any parents should never interfere in the relation between their sons/daughters and their spouses. Likewise, no wives have the right to interfere in their husbands' relations with their parents, relatives, and siblings. 

3- There is a difference between the origin and the branch; i.e., the origin is one's parents, siblings, nearest of kin, and relatives, whereas the branch is one's spouse and offspring. No one can change the origin; this is part of preordained fate since one was born within this or that family. As for the branch, a husband can either divorce his wife or marry a second wife while keeping the first wife; a man can beget more offspring apart from the children he already has. Yet, a man cannot 'divorce' or boycott his parents and siblings.

4- It is impossible that one's parents would become one's enemies; yet, one's spouse(s) and offspring might become one's enemies: "O you who believe! Among your spouses and your children are enemies to you, so beware of them. But if you pardon, and overlook, and forgive - God is Forgiver and Merciful." (64:14). Parents of course, are not mentioned in 64:14.

5- The Lord God does not mention in the Quran any command/advice addressed to parents to be charitable/kind to their offspring; the reason for this is that the souls of parents are inherently loving, caring, kind, and charitable to their offspring; the Lord God's commands are regarding being good/kind/charitable to one's parents, nearest of kin, and relatives. 

5/1: "...“Worship none but God; and be good to parents, and relatives, and orphans, and the needy; and speak nicely to people..." (2:83).

5/2: "Worship God, and ascribe no partners to Him, and be good to the parents, and the relatives, and the orphans, and the poor, and the neighbor next door, and the distant neighbor, and the close associate, and the traveler, and your servants. God does not love the arrogant showoff." (4:36).

5/3: "Say, “Come, let me tell you what your Lord has forbidden you: that you associate nothing with Him; that you honor your parents..." (6:151).

5/4: "Your Lord has commanded that you worship none but Him, and that you be good to your parents..." (17:23); "And give the nearest of kin their rights..." (17:26).

5/5: This is about one's parents: "Your Lord has commanded that you worship none but Him, and that you be good to your parents. If either of them or both of them reach old age with you, do not say to them a word of disrespect, nor scold them, but say to them kind words. And lower to them the wing of humility, out of mercy, and say, “My Lord, have mercy on them, as they raised me when I was a child.”" (17:23-24). This is in contrast to the rights of the wives even if their husbands dislike them: "...And live with them in kindness. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike something in which God has placed much good." (4:19).

6- One is to obey one's parents all the time except if they command one to adhere to polytheism: "We have advised the human being to be good to his parents. But if they urge you to associate with Me something you have no knowledge of, do not obey them..." (29:8); "But if they strive to have you associate with Me something of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them. But keep them company in this life, in kindness, and follow the path of him who turns to Me..." (31:15). Yet, husbands are not required to obey their wives all the time; in contrast, wives should obey their husbands except if they command the wives to disobey the Lord God's Quranic commands. No one should obey mortals by disobeying the Lord God the Creator. The husbands protect, maintain, and spend on their wives within responsibility, and in return, they expect their wives to obey them; in case of disobedience, husbands have the right to follow the three steps: (1) admonish the wives, (2) abandon the beds of the wives, or (3) beat/strike the wives; yet, it is prohibited that husbands would beat/strike obedient wives as this pertains to injustice; those who beat/strike their wives unjustly and aggressively deserve the wrath of the Dominant Lord God: "Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, as God has given some of them an advantage over others, and because they spend out of their wealth. The good women are obedient, guarding what God would have them guard. As for those from whom you fear disobedience, admonish them, and abandon them in their beds, then strike them. But if they obey you, seek no way against them. God is Sublime, Great." (4:34).

7- Had your father beaten/struck your mother, your mother would have lived happily with your father; had you beaten/struck your wife, your wife would have lived happily with you.

8- The legislation in 4:34 about beating/striking unjust and disobedient wives was revealed by Omniscient Lord God the Creator: "Would He not know, He Who created? He is the Most Kind, the Expert." (67:14).